While I know Valentine’s Day was officially last month, I don’t think it’s ever the wrong time to talk about love.
In fact, considering how many people still don’t seem to have any idea what real love is all about, it could be the perfect time.
Even though we begin talking about love as early as elementary school, and while we, especially as Christians, are taught the different forms of Biblical love from a young age, there are still so many people who have absolutely no idea what true love is all about.
We need look no further than our country’s depressingly high divorce rate as evidence of this fact.
There is no wonder there is so much confusion about this word, however, when even our trusted Webster’s dictionary doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface of the depth of its meaning.
Though there were a total of nine different definitions listed online, I don’t believe any of them came anywhere close what God had in mind when He told us to love.
Here are Webster’s top three definitions:
- strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties
- attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers
- warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion
While having a “strong affection” for another may be a positive outcome of love, what happens when the “other” you have affection for does something despicable?
Whether we are talking marriage, or friendship, when the “strong affection” at any point weakens, there better be a whole lot more there than feelings to anchor the relationship.
Likewise, I’m sure God was talking about a whole lot more than feelings when he told us we need to love Him with all our heart, mind and strength and our neighbors the same.
There is nothing wrong with feelings. God gave us our emotions, but they can be fickle and weak, and not always to be trusted.
In fact, our emotions are easily manipulated by others, including the devil.
That’s why we should never make a decision based on feelings alone.
So, if love is not merely a feeling, then what in the world is it?
Love – long-lasting, Biblical agape love – is a choice, an action, an effort of the will, you might say.
Such love is described in the Bible for us by John:
“But if anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him? Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.”
While I’m sure this definition is not a new one for most, I wonder how many people actually understand its meaning.
Because for as many people who have probably heard this at one time in their life, there are precious few who live it out.
It’s a sad reality, especially considering that a big part of knowing and serving God properly requires a good understanding of the meaning of love.
After all, God tells us in the Bible that He is love, and if we don’t know love, we don’t know Him. (1 John 4:8)
However, even though we may know and understand God’s love for us, it is whole different idea to be able to show that kind of love to someone else.
While we may be able to easily comprehend how God can so selflessly and sacrificially love us, being able to apply that to our own relationships is something that seems very hard for most people to wrap their heads around.
Choosing to love someone, even when they’re unlovable, goes against every natural response of our selfish flesh.
Yes, choosing to love the way God loves – is hard.
It takes a humbling of ourselves…a yielding of our wants and desires for the sake of another’s.
I believe that’s the real reason why we see friendships dissolve and so many marriages, even Christian marriages break apart.
Even though people know love is a choice, they aren’t willing to do the hard work it takes to make that choice a reality in their own lives.
They’d much rather rely on some feeling to carry them through their relationships and magically strengthen them when times get tough.
Oh it’s true, infatuation, lust, romance, they can drive us to do some pretty sacrificial things, especially in the beginnings of romantic relationships.
But what happens when those feelings fade?
When finances are tight, when the baby refuses to sleep, when the doctor’s office calls with bad news?
In times like those, it takes more than a pretty face, a kind heart or the perfect body to keep that love alive, and help that relationship not only survive, but grow.
It takes a purposeful act of will – a choice.
A choice to love that person, not because of what they do for you, but just because of who God made them – good, bad and ugly.
There are few people who can make that kind of decision, even fewer who can make it stick.
As fallable humans, we certainly can’t do it on our own.
It takes that continual dying to self and following Christ in order to accomplish such a feat.
It’s certainly not for the faint of heart.
But when we do it, when we forget about what it might cost – pain, hurt, rejection, sacrifice – and trust God to give us his strength, his forbearance, his power to go all in – oh what a difference we can make in life, in a family, in a church.
It really does all come down to a choice.
For those of you who have been blessed enough to have received and/or given this kind of love, I’m sure you’ll be nodding your heads and smiling as you read the following story.
However, I am not naive enough to think that just because you’re a Christian you have enjoyed this kind of agape love in your human relationships outside of our Savior.
So here is just a small example of what it look like to choose to love someone with a Christ-like, sacrificial, agape love.
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I was blessed to be born into a family that knew agape love.
I was daddy’s little girl and momma’s baby.
Even my older brother and I had a pretty amazing sibling relationship.
Because of that foundation, I love deeply, completely and all out, but I am very careful to whom I give that love.
Why? Because honestly, it takes a lot out of you to love so fully, at least, it takes a lot out of me.
I have had the same best friend since before kindergarten.
No matter how amazing a friend either of you are, 40+ years of friendship takes work. It takes sacrifice. It takes compromise.
Has it been worth it? Oh my goodness, yes!!!!
I would not trade that girl for all the money in the world.
So, knowing all of this, you can imagine that when it came time to date, I was a bit choosy.
My first real boyfriend didn’t come until college, and when we met, I was sure he was the one.
He was handsome, funny, and He loved the Lord – a combination I had never been able to find among the boys in my hometown.
He was also a master of romantic love, not in a sophisticated debonair kind of way, more in a goofy, nervous college kid kind of way, which made it all the more endearing.
His humility was disarming, and he quickly found a way past my defenses.
He convinced me that I was the one for him., and there was no way he would ever leave me.
Yet while he knew lots about romance and how to woo a girl, he knew precious little about commitment and even less about sacrifice.
I recall a number of times we committed to serve in ministry together and whether it was his old weightlifting injury or some other excuse, I ended up doing it alone.
I was disappointed, but I had made my choice. I had committed and so I gave him the benefit of the doubt and moved on.
Finally, we reached that point in our relationship where you either move on to the next step, which for us was engagement, or you go your separate ways.
Even though throughout our relationship he was always the first one to talk about our future together, and even though he had taken me to look at engagement rings just weeks before, after a year and a half of dating he made his choice.
It wasn’t me.
Do I blame him for not choosing to love me? Goodness no.
He was young. We both were.
Honestly, I’m thankful he had the courage to end something we both had doubts about.
Did it make an already picky girl even pickier? Oh my, yes!
That was the first time in my life I had ever allowed someone who wasn’t blood to rise to the level of family, and he had done what no member of my family had ever done.
He had rejected me. That’s a wound that takes a long time to heal.
For me, it would take years.
But God is good, and in that time He taught me a lot about myself.
He showed me things I needed to work on, and He taught me even more about the great love He has for me.
So much so, that I thought perhaps He wanted me to be single the rest of my life.
Part of me, was not really bothered by that idea.
Then came the phone call.
My mother called. There was this guy. He was a member of the church I’d been attending when I couldn’t make it to my home church due to work.
He was interested. She was excited. I was perturbed.
How dare some guy come in and try to mess up this good thing God and I had going.
Poor Noel.
Talk about playing hard to get. I certainly didn’t make it easy for him.
To make matters worse, my anxiety was through the roof during that time, mostly because deep in my soul – I knew this was it. Either he was going to be the man I was going to marry, or I was going to be single the rest of my life.
Thankfully, he was patient. He was kind. He was not easily provoked, and he endured so many things.
No matter what crazy fear my mind came up with, no matter how my insecurities must have tried his patience. He just kept showing up.
I was growing quite found of this young man, and he had already declared his love for me.
While I had heard those words before, this time it seemed different. They didn’t ring hollow, because his actions backed them up.
Still, I didn’t want to make a mistake. God had taught me a lot about agape love – what it is and what it isn’t, and while my suitor had done a lot to show he knew the difference, I wasn’t ready yet to choose him as my forever.
Then it happened.
Another one of my famous health crises. Something minor that my health anxiety turns into something major until I actually find out that it is indeed minor.
During that awful period when my anxiety was through the roof, I was certain I was dying. My life flashed before me and all the sins I ever committed became like mountains I could never overcome.
I finally realized the amazing person Noel was, and my anxiety convinced me that there was no way God would ever let me marry him. I had not achieved perfection and so, like Moses, God would allow me to see my Promised Land, but never enjoy it.
Yeah, my anxiety makes me slightly dramatic.
During all this drama, Noel never wavered. He listened. He encouraged. Sometimes he even made me laugh at how ridiculous I was being.
It all culminated one weekend when I was at an all-time low. I hadn’t been sleeping well, hadn’t been eating right to put it mildly I was a mess.
I was certain I was no one Noel would ever want to marry. I didn’t think I deserved to marry him, and I thought I should tell him. So I poured out all my crazy jumbled feelings into a letter because I knew I’d never be able to tell him everything in person.
I honestly cannot remember a word that was in that letter, but I will never forget the one I got in return.
He dropped it off at my apartment and said he’d be back in a little while.
Here is just a sampling of the words that changed my life:
“Michelle, to me love is not something a guy says just to make a girl do what he wants. To me love is the way me, being a man says, “I have chosen you. I will always be there for you. I will sacrifice anything for you….My love for you is unconditional.”
If you knew Noel, you’d know that he is not a guy of many words. He is not a smooth talker – you know, one of those guys who always knows what to say, whether it’s sincere or not.
Nope. With Noel, what you see is what you get.
Such declarations of love are few and far between. He’d much rather show you his love than talk about it.
So, when I read those words, I melted in a puddle on my bedroom floor.
Not because they were romantic and flowery, but because I knew they were true. As I read each word my heart beat louder as the Holy Spirit, didn’t just whisper, but screamed to my soul, “It’s okay. Let down your walls. He’s the one. Choose him!”
And so I did. Because of Noel’s agape love for me, I was able to trust in human love again, outside of my family.
We were engaged a few weeks later and married three months after that, now going on 18 years.
I admit, it’s a pretty amazing love story, at least to me.
But I’m not relating it for the beauty of the story itself, but as one single example of how loving someone with true Biblical agape love – choosing to love them not based on any merit of their own, but simply because God tells us to – really can change lives.
Even non-Christians know God loves this way, but nobody expects people to love this way.
Apart from Christ, our flesh is painfully, hopelessly selfish. Even with Christ, it takes a healthy amount of the Holy Spirit’s power to overcome our incessant love of self.
That’s why it is such a jarring concept for people, even Christians, to experience, and such an awesome testimony of God’s working through us.
Imagine how it would bolster the faith of that worn-out single mom in your Sunday School class, if you’d offer to watch her kids for an evening – all six of them – even the ornery, constantly moving twins.
Think about what effect it would have on your crotchety old neighbor if you’d shovel his walk or plow his driveway, expecting nothing in return.
How would it change your marriage if you did the household chore your spouse usually performs but absolutely hates, just because you knew they were having a tough day.
What might it do to your community if, instead of complaining about the no-good teenagers running the streets at all hours, you offered to let them shoot hoops in your backyard?
I will be the first to admit, loving others the way God loves us, is not easy.
It’s not just candy and flowers and pretty words.
It takes effort. It takes work, and to do it successfully, repeatedly, takes an all-out action of the will. Yes, true love – doesn’t just feel, or think or hope.
True love chooses!
True love – does!
Jesus was our perfect example of this.
It wasn’t sappy feelings that kept him hanging on that cross as the blood gushed down his body and the air escaped his lungs.
It was a choice.
A choice He had made long before He ever came to this earth.
He loved us so much, he chose to be the penalty for our sin.
It was an action.
He didn’t just talk about how much He loves us.
He showed us how much He loves us by dying a cruel death – a death that was meant for us.
He made a choice, and then acted on it.
That is the determination, the discipline, the follow-through that we need to have if we want to love some one like Jesus loves.
We need to choose to love our neighbor, not based on how much money they have, or how much we like them, or even how well they treat us, but just because we know God commands us to.
We settle that choice deep in our soul, and then we act on it.
We serve coffee.
We rake leaves.
We give rides.
We listen.
We laugh.
We love.
And we continue to do it, day in, and day out, fueled by the Holy Spirit’s power.
Oh friends, when it comes to this crazy little word called love, let’s turn Mr. Webster’s definition on its head.
Let’s show the world what it means to love like Jesus.
Let’s choose.
Let’s act.
Let’s do!